Something America needs to know about

Today, the Honorable President Bush honored a fallen Army soldier with this nation's highest award- the Medal of Honor. I watched the video and President Bush nearly cried during the ceremony as the award was given postumously. I do not recall his name but he was a PFC, something I was not long ago, and he died in a Humvee in Iraq. As the story was told, a Grenade landed inside the Humvee while he sat atop it on the mounted 50 cal. He upon seeing it, warned his comrades and jumped into the vehicle on it. His flack jacket saved the soldiers in the vehicle (4 to be exact) but the wounds he received took his life. Like many cases, he gave his life so that others might live. I wonder what his soldier friends would say if interviewed. Would they tell us this PFC partied and drank his life away, but finally made good use of it? Would they tell us he went to church every Sunday and helped older women cross crowded streets? My point is, it does not matter what he did before, but what he did that day. Marine Corps, Navy, Air Force, Army crap aside, we all work the same way- a grenade comes into an area and someone will fall on it to save other's lives. Most civilians would say we are trained to do so, but it is not true. I am in the Marine Corps, but I have never been told to fall on a grenade, nor have we practiced jumping from a gunner position into a humvee onto an explosive. It is not instilled in us via training as members of the military. It is instilled in us as who we are. We joined the military-Corps to Force, because we are willing even when others are not. Would you do me a favor while reading this? Pause for just a moment... and honor the man who gave his life for his four buddies and so that you might live in peace. I love America. I love Americans, and the men who die to protect  them everyday.

~Ned

L is for the way you look at me

I've writen about pain, life, death, happiness, trials, sorrow, courage, determination, disobedience and even hope, but never have I ventured to put pen to paper and write about love. Sure, I've written a few things that were romantic or mushy, but never anything about true love. Is that beacuse I've never known true love? Is that beacuse I don't really understand true love? Or is it because I have always shunned love in fear, because the first time I loved someone I got hurt? Well regardless of it being one of those three, two of the three, or all three, I now know love. Have I ever loved anyone before? Dad, Katie, and God. Anyone else? No. I had to learn from the one who created love, before I was allowed to love. What does love require? Perfection? no. Beauty? No. Humor? No. Money? No. Kindness? No. Intelligence? No, An equitable return? No. Love requires but one thing. Sacrifice. Many authors have spoken about sacrificial love, but that is redundant. Love requires sacrifice. Many scholars have said love is spelled T-I-M-E, but giving somone your time is sacrifice. Christ sacrificed Himself for us. Parents sacrifice everything for their kids from sleep and food to extra-curricular activities and money. Sacrfice is what love is. Someone once said, "Love conquers a multitude of sins." I was unsure. How could I love a murderer? How could I love someone that danced on my last nerve? How could I love somone who was always breaking my heart? God. God loves Marilyn Manson. God loves Charles Manson. God loves Hillary Clinton. God loves us even though day after day we break His heart. Someone said that rain is God's tears, but if it rained when God cried it would always be raining everywhere. God taught me about love in a peculiar way, but then again He's been trying to teach me for years. So many people around me displayed true love and I walked right past it. So, you ask what is love? I'll ell you. Love is flirting with your wife even after 27 years of marriage. Love is spending 20 hours a day holding your premature baby by the hand while tubes keep her alive. Love is taking your grandson to the place of his dreams only days before you die. Love is overlooking something everyone else says is impossible to overlook. Love is holding her tight when she wrecks your truck, not yelling at her. Love spends two weeks deciding what to do for her even though she works on Valentine's Day. Love is stepping up when no one else is around to do so. Love drives 3 hours because she's homesick. Love surprises her on a day she least expects it but most needs it. Love misses work for a tee ball game. Love runs into a burning building while everyone runs out. Love makes Plan B just as good as Plan A. Love fights its way through barbedwire for its child. Love would trade glory for us. Love fasted 40 days in a wildreness. Love wore a crown of thorns. Love uttered, "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do," and gave up the ghost... for us.

~Ned

Truth in learning

So I am reading this book called, "The Making of a Godly Man" and I ran across an interesting thought I wanted to share. In certain instances, this thought applies to nothing, but it is so true I could not help but expound. The writr made the statement that men are problem solvers. Then, he made the most accurate statement I have heard in a while- 'If a man asks you questions and then presents a solution, he listened intently." From what I have heard and even seen in my own life, women are constantly complaining that men do not listen when they need to talk. In fact, I have girlfriends complain that I got involved in the conversation. I guess they did not understand. If as a woman you tell me something in your life that bothers you, the best way to know if I care is my response. If I smile and say everything will be alright, I probably either did not truly care or did not really listen. I am a problem solver, not by my design but by God's. I know that may not always be what a woman wants or even needs, but it is true. A man is wired to fix things. In many ways, I think that is why God designed the man as the head of the household. After all, should not the leader be the one wired to think how to solve problems and make decisions? Seems to me that makes perect sense. A lot of women think I am a male shovenist, but that simply is not the case. I d my bst to live by God's word, though I will admit I fail sometimes. But whether anyone likes it or not there ar certain things God has established that are simply not up for discussion. I nmany cases I would like to disagree with some, but I know God is right so my disagreeent would be wrong. I did not ask to be male, nor to have certain things established for me as such, but rather that is God's plan. I want to be a Godly man (though sometimes I do not know how, I am learning), and one of the things required of that is to be the leader God has designed me to be. I am doing my best, but sometimes I am not even allowed to be the leader. In said cases, I do not know what to do. Back to my topic at hand, if a man responds, he paid attention. That would be an important lesson for many girls and women to learn. If you find yourself complaining that your boyfriends or husband just does not listen, maybe you should step back and see if he asks questions and tries to fix it. If he does, he listened; just not quite like you were hoping for him to. Do not try to change him; learn how he works. That will be much easier than trying to rewire his thoughts and processes.

~Ned

Maybe the 2nd try will work

The other night when I posted, it was not at all what I had planned. Instead of diving into a topic that I thought would make a good post, I found myself writing every letter of my heart. So, since I still think the idea should be looked at, I will give it a second attempt.

In my car, I was cruisin' along and enjoying my ipod. As it skipped randomly from song to song, it stopped on one of my favorite songs from the muiscal "Wicked", 'Defying Gravity'. The line that caught my ear though surprised me. "Losing love - I guess I have lost. Well, if that's love. It comes at much too high a cost." I turned it back a few seconds and listened again. "Much too high a cost?" I almost stopped looking at the road as my head spun on the inside. Too high? The cost? I did not understand. Thoughts and then even quotes came to my mind. The most famous being, "It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all." So, I began to really roll the idea over in my head. This thought is one many have encountered and from having talked to countless people in my life, I know it is one of rather common acceptance. Many a teenager these dyas believes love is not worth the cost. I disagree. My first instinct was that I wanted to slap the writer upside the head for reintroducing the idea when not neccesary. But then I think I hit on just why so many think the cost of love is too high. Said reason is because so many do not understand the tuest love. Love is expensive. Love does cost. Ask the Creator of this universe who paid the ultimate price of the life of his only Son. You see, I understand the cost of love, because I know the love of God. I know how much He paid to love me and how much hurt He experienced. I think that is what this world needs to understand love is worth the cost, Those teenagers and even adults who have given up on love because of its high price, fail to see that they are loved by someone they do not even love back. God Himself could write the ultimate poem of unrequited love for us. Yet, we complain about how much love costs us just among one another. Interesting thought. What has love cost you lately?

~Ned

Dear Xanga,

I guess practically nobody reads my xanga anymore, so I might as well unload some stuff.

I will start with something I discovered the other night after I had a pretty good fight with my dad. To start the fight out, he blamed the Marine Corps for the actions he thought were wrong. I guess my dad did nor understand this is the worst place he could start. I love the Corps. While I wanted to be a Marine for years, I had no idea how much I would really love the Marine Corps. So, starting there automatically turned me off. But, as I mulled the thoughts over in my head about it, I realized that part of what frustrated me about his blatant disregard for the Corps is that I finally feel like somebody (a thought I will discuss more in a little bit). Ronald Reagan said that most Americans spend their lives wondering if they ever accomplished something, but that Marines never have that problem. I think this boost is what I have needed for a long time. In the Marine Corps I am somebody. I may only be a Private First Class, but I am a part of a branch of military that insures this country is safe each night and again in the morning. Even on days where I do little, I still get up at 0500 to be a Marine, which in its deepest point means I protect the country. I do not wonder anymore if my life is worth anything to anyone. Now I know that I am important and that people depend on me. Where I once thought I was useless and worthless, I have found something I can believe in that makes me valuable. Even today, I had a discussion with one of my Sergeants about how he respects that I take care of my Marines. As a PFC, there are few Marines under my charge, but I take good care of the ones who are, and even a Sergeant respects me for such. Sure, I will not lie, there are days where a Corporal or Sergeant has made me feel like the scum of the earth, but in the end they call you devil dog and tell you you are alright. I guess in certain circumstances, the best way to build someone is to destroy them first. In fact, I have a feeling we could build some really amazing people that have been destroyed by their families and relationships, except few in this world no the proper way to rebuild someone. A Corporal, Sergeant, or Staff Sergeant does not have that problem.

Another thing I noticed about the Corps is its changing power. My good friend Michael Haynes will become a commisioned officer (Second Lieutenant Oorah!) in late May. As enlisted, I will render due authority to my friend, but I have discovered our bond is much stronger than it once was. We both love the Corps to a great degree and it has brought us together in many ways. A few years ago, we fought like a cat and dog and hashed it out pretty good several times. Since then, we have rectified our relationship and now share a stronger bond than we can imagine. I doubt he knows it, but I hope I get to be the one who renders his first salute in the Corps. We will see.

In other news, it seems a relationship I had completely given up on has reared its rather attractive head. I realize that the phrase is normally, "reared its ugly head", but in this case that is not how it goes. I am not only speechless, but practically wordless and certainly a few times I have been breatheless. This girl, I do not even know where to start. This girl is the kind I pull all of my contractions apart for (which if you know my writing, you know I seriously mean something when I take out contraction for sake of sound).  For lack of a better term, I am the happiest man on earth. I ... I ... I can not manage words. I would try to dscribe it to someone via phone conversation, but last time I tried, I failed rather miserably. The topic takes my words; the girl takes my breathe. All I will say is this: I did not force this one. In fact, when I finally gave up on relationships and even girls in general, this is what happened. The best part is, she is already my best friend. When I need someone to talk to at 1 am, she is who I call and has been for a year or more. So, almost nothing is changing in our relationship. Do not ask me how that is truly possible, but for years I have prayed to God that he would send me someone who could be my best friend and yet more than that. I think the hardest part about relationships is trust. Without a doubt, everyone trusts their best friend (or at least should like 99.5% of the time or you need new friends). So, being best friends the trust part is out of the way. I have told her my deepest secrets all the way to my deepest fears. So, I do not have to worry about the fear of opening up nor the fear of being who I really am around her. It is just simple. It is just us. It is just love. There is nothing else I can say.

I had a thought yesterday that I have contemplated most of the day and is still on my mind. Bro Kizer said that it is a man's job to be in charge of the household- to be the leader. Ever since I have wondered if thats what I am missing. Do I know how to lead a relationship? A Family? A home? A woman? Were my Dad around this evening to ask, I would have. I want to know what he thinks. My father, without a doubt, is the one man I know who knows how to lead. He has been leading my family and my mother for many years. If I do not know, he could teach me and show me. So, here I sit all complexed. Can I lead? Do I have the skills? Do I have the knowledge? In some ways, I am scared of the answer. Where I sit right now, I feel like I need to lead, but if I do not know how, what will happen? Will that fail the relationship like all the others? Or was that not the problem? Something is different this time. I wish I could explain it, but I simply do not have the ability. Maybe I do know how to lead. I have always had pretty good confidence that I know how to properly care for a woman in a relationship, but with the point being made I could not help but question myself as far as leading is concerned. My mind automatically jumped to things in the past- sure I let the girl make a lot of decisions in the name of equality, but have always had the strength to make the tough big decisions. What is right? I certainly do not want a relationship where I lead like a seeing-eye dog, but I do not want to compromise too much either. Is there a line? Some sort of man rule that I have not been informed of because of my age or maturity? I have no idea. I wish I knew. The more I asked God, the more He tells me to stop asking and just keep trusting. I know I should listen when He says I can handle this, but its hard.

Oh yeah, vent time. Some random guy walked up to me yesterday, told me he and his wife were both Parris Island trained Marines and said it was expected that as a San Diego trained marine that I would look hanus in uniform. I was hurt. What did I do? Ask my Staff Sergeant- when they need someone to go somewhere in uniform, they pick PFC Johnson because he loks best in uniform. I do not understand why people stick themselves in places where they do not belong, nor properly know. I am not sure he meant any harm. In fact, it may have been just an attempt to reach out to me since we have battled in the past, but it was a poor choice. Grrrrr. I guess I still have my weak spots. I shall fortify.

~Ned

P.S. I know people think as Marines we just say stupid things like "Semper Fidelis" and "Oorah Devildog", but those things are not stupid. Semper fidelis is always faithful- it means in battle, at home, in life we are forever faithful to one another, outr country, her citizens, and those we love. As for Oorah Devil dog, it shows our rich heritage. Oorah is the Turkish word for kill and while we use it now in fun, it was once used to scare the Turkish so that we might win a battle (which mind you is what we have beein doing for 233 years). The term devil dog is also rich in its background. The term originated when the Germans in World War I referred to Marines as Teufelhunden at the Battle of Bellau Wood. Without that battle and those well trained, unafraid Marines, we would speak German and our world would be quite different then the one we enjoy today (despite anyone who might feel this world is messed up today, it could be much worse.) It should also be noted that the months before the Battle of Bellau Wood were the worst any American military unit had seen before. Read the story and see what you learn about why Marines really have kept this coutry safe since we wee founded all the way back in 1775. And if you feel the need to truly understand, research the battle in Korea referred to as Frozen Chosin or the Chosin reservoir or Da Nang in Vietnam. Perhaps it might enlighten a few to see what the Corps has truly and faithfully done. So, while the phrases may lack interpretation to outside world, they mean a lot to us. Oorah.